Is your child (or worry for your child) driving you crazy?

Tantrums? Tears? Nightmares?

Are they not laughing as much as they used to? Are they responding poorly to discipline and not adjusting?

Maybe your child is hitting other kids, or you, but can’t say why.  Maybe they’re saying mean, mean things you would never expect them to say. Maybe they’re telling you they don’t want to be alive or are talking about killing themselves.

Or maybe, they’re just having trouble in school, struggling to focus on anything that isn’t their interests. Maybe the doctor or teacher thinks they may have ADHD and you want to know more.

Sometimes, anxiety and depression or other mental health struggles in kids looks different than adults.

Generally, kids express themselves through play and behavior. They say they’re not okay by yelling at you.  They say they’re not okay by refusing more foods than not.

Sometimes, the nightmares or wetting themselves during the day or night are  ways they express struggle. Sometimes, they bottle up, but you can tell through the way they laugh less, or are constantly moving, that something is wrong. And sometimes, it’s hard to see through the symbols of what they are doing, to understand what they don’t yet have words to express pain or desire.

More often than not, it’s hard to distinguish child struggles from behavioral “rebellion” or normal development. 

We all struggle.

Mental illness is not limited to adults. Adult’s brains get all catawampus at times, with depression, anxiety, eating struggles, or OCD.

Kids, sadly, don’t have the market on always being happy.

It’s hard to love someone who’s hurting.

I’m guessing you, as a parent, are exhausted by the time you were ready to seek help. Have they gotten under your skin or are you just worried sick?

Loving someone who is in pain is painful. In the worst moments it can feel like standing in the way of a Romping Willow, waiting to get slapped in the face. And when that attack isn’t coming from some stranger but instead someone inside the walls of your heart, when they strike out, the deeper parts of you get hurt. Old wounds get pulled up when the people closest push back or pull away. Maybe you want to pull away too? Maybe you want to tell them “this is how it is!”

And yet, you know, deep down, that’s not the parent you want be. You want be present. You want to be caring and patient.

Itsy bitsy steps are a safe way to sort out the web of mess.

No part of child struggle is simple, but more like a tangled web.

In my office I start with exploring questions like these:

• How can we help your child feel safe?
• How can we set the conditions for your child to attach?
• What is your child trying to convey through their behaviors and play?
• What unspoken story is their body trying to tell?  

I lean on the experience of therapists before me, such as those who built Attachment Theory and those who developed Somatic Experiencing to put together a plan to help your child feel better. And, we play. 

We use Freeplay, structured play such as Theraplay uses, and we might let your child draw. I follow your child’s interests into the new world of emotional and physical awareness. As they explain their feelings in symbols to you and me, we’ll repeat back to them what we hear. This happens VERY SLOWLY and healing does not come overnight. But in baby steps of clarity and feeling just barely safer, kids will slowly to start to feel more seen for and settle.

What kind of commitment is therapy for parents?

How much you are involved depends both on the age of your child, and their desire for you to participate. As I look to help your child deeply attach, we might talk about your story and how that influences your parenting style (even if your child’s adopted).

Usually if the child falls in the years of elementary school or younger, parents help with therapy homework. I might ask you to try a new discipline/reward method, or practice sharing emotions at the end of the day.

As a therapist, I hope to be a safe space for you and your child.

Finding someone who will take the time to hear what your child likes and dislikes, how they “tick” and treat them as normal is key to your child’s openness in counseling.

And just as much, you need someone who won’t judge you, either. Who will help you identify new parenting strategies with appreciation for how hard it is for you to hear new ideas, or put them into action. 

You want someone who is both empathetic, but can also give you and your child concrete, helpful tools! 

If you find yourself interested or in need of emotional support and new ideas, give me a call, or come in for a few sessions. Usually, there’s a sense of connection after a couple times of meeting…and if not, I’m glad to help you find someone who is.

If a parent can’t fix what’s wrong, how will we in one hour per week?

My job is more like a physical therapist than a doctor. What I’m helping you and your child learn doesn’t work if they (and YOU) aren’t willing to practice at home.

So, in one hour, I help build a sense of what it is to feel heard, or be listened to. I work to give them the experience of calm and safety. Then, together, parent, child, and therapist practice what we learn.

I send you home with little pieces of homework. As your child feels safer, behaviors will calm—just like you can be your best self when life feels more steady. And you will find yourself with more time than you did before.

What happens if my child doesn’t share what they’re feeling?

While it varies, kids generally don’t like to share directly. As with any adult they feel embarrassed, or may not even yet be able to name that the experience is their own.

 But they do share through metaphor and symbol.

They might tell you what Teddy or a doll is feeling. Or maybe, they need busy hands, and will only talk while building.

The key to sharing is to go at their pace and follow their interests.

In some weeks, it may feel like “Nothing” gets done! But, just as with adults talking, kids need time to do their version of chitchat and relationship. They will communicate both with you as a parent, and me as a therapist in different ways at different times.

Maybe you’re still not ready?

That’s okay. Take some time to think and look around. Read my blog posts and see if they help! Or call or email me and ask some questions. Think through a few questions:

1. What are you most scared or hesitant about therapy?
2. What are you willing and not willing to do?
3. What would make you feel more safe and willing to try counseling out?

Take a baby step towards relief for you both.