In a “traditional” family, a mom and dad create a child out of an act of love and passion. In that symbol of love for each other, parents pour nine months of slow bonding and care prior to the birth of the baby. In an ideal world, a biological child is born into a family where parents (and siblings) are already attached to the infant who is welcomed. (Mind you, usually there are still bonding battles even in a biological home).

In adoption, on the other hand, bonding can be messy. Children are grown in unsafe wombs, whether by parents under extreme stress, or parents who are incapable of protecting and loving their child. When a child enters their adoptive parents home, the attachment isn’t yet developed. Love for the dream of a child, yes, but they could never place their hand on a belly and feel a kick, they couldn’t whisper sweet nothings and be heard. Instead, both child and parent attachment cups are empty. And when the child begins screaming and behaviorally protesting love and “normal” expectations, triggered by trauma they carry, it can be difficult for you to bond with them.

The child’s love cup not only sits empty, it has a whole in it.

Trauma and loss, even just that of losing a birth parent can impact their lives dramatically. Letting in love is as terrifying as walking the edge of a cliff. The view is great, but the risk of relaxing into that love feels unsafe.

While most child therapies focus on giving a safe place for the child to be themselves and express pain through play, an adoption therapist is focused on the family bond. The child’s behaviors and emotions are not the only identified problem. The need to bond is the focus of therapy.

Thus, adoption therapy is a family therapy. The goal of the therapist is to assist you in this hard work of bonding and helping your child feel safe.

We do that in three ways:

First, we work with child and parents through play meant to build attunement. Bonding comes through laughter, a sense of dancing in action or emotions, and building repair through play or conversation.

Second, we’ll work with parents: with parenting strategies that account for the delicacy of adoption; with your need to express the pain and frustration that those outside of the adoption world can’t quite grasp; with your bonding struggles with your children and your own attachment wounds.

And third, focus always includes your child’s trauma. Their system carries a need to find safety, both through relationship and releasing the pain of past hurts.

Therapy is meant to relieve some of the pressure carried by parents. My goal is to come alongside and coach and cheer on child and parents alike.